I didn’t just wait to be noticed: I also actively messaged others.
I would take the time to read a guy’s profile and then mention common interests or things I found interesting, posing an easy question for him at the end—but I still received few responses.
But given the extremely low probability that any given message will lead to a serious relationship, it’s not.
Even when you decide to answer, many users will not respond, having lost interest or been tempted by one of the site’s many other profiles.
Some people disappear after a few exchanges—sometimes even after you’ve made plans to meet.
You may also start talking to someone only to realize that you are no longer interested in getting to know them better.
(Filters are common—especially for women, who often receive a high number of lewd or casual messages from spam profiles, and generic messages from men who send the same note to a swath of profiles.) Of the 708 messages I received over the next fourteen months, 530 ended up in the filtered inbox, which left me with about one message of decent-or-above quality a day.
A message from a prospective mate every day may sound like a lot.
I signed up for Tinder and Bumble—two apps with simple interfaces that invite users to swipe on pictures of people they find attractive—as well as Ok Cupid.
The last includes more substantial personal profiles.
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But almost immediately, I began to notice peculiarities about my experience.